It's been a while since I've done something like this, so here it goes. You know with my ADHD, this is gonna be a pile of all my jumbled up thoughts into one giant post.
It's November 22, 2017 and it's almost about to be 6 months since you've been gone. I've been putting off writing anything like this for a while because I've been too scared to face the reality of it. It still feels like you're not really gone for me.
To start off, I guess I should ask, "how are you?"
How is heaven? Or wherever you are. Do you remember me? I remember you. I always do.
Sometimes the pain of losing you is too much for me to handle. But as much as it hurts, I never want to lose the memories we shared. Even the painful ones. I miss you so much.
I don't really understand this grief thing, but i'm glad you didn't have to see me like this.
Remembering back before the cancer came along, we were so happy. We had instant chemistry since the day we met and I never imagined falling as hard as I did for anyone. I wanted to spend every waking second with you and I grew to be too attached to you. I was clingy as hell and even though sometimes you got annoyed of it, back then, we loved it.
Living with you for the past almost 3 years was amazing. I'm so glad that you got the chance to become part of my family. My parents loved you so much. They still do. Everywhere I go in the house, I still get memories of you. Everything reminds me of you. The desk i'm using to write this on, and the desk beside me, which you once used, only brings back memories of when we spent hours on end trying to build them. Every time I look over at the empty desk and chair that you once sat in for scrims and streams, I think of you.
Every time I take a shower, I think of all the times I used to joke around and peek my head in while you were showering. You'd get so embarrassed, yell at me to stop (yet still smiling), and i'd run out of the bathroom giggling. I think about all the times you'd sneak into the bathroom while I was showering and poke your head through the shower curtains.
I remember all the times you'd be on the computer and i'd be reaching my arms out from the bed, using my little baby voice with you and saying I "want attention", and you'd give me that "are you serious" look. I'd giggle and you'd come over to the bed in the middle of scrims and give me kisses all over.
I miss the kisses the most. I remember all the times you'd be laying in bed and i'd tickle you with my kisses all over your face and neck. I miss how you'd giggle and then eventually bust out laughing because of how much it tickled. In fact, you were laughing so hard that you told me to stop and cried "it hurts" so i'd stop and we'd just lay in bed laughing.
I miss how warm your body felt next to me. I miss the way you held me in your arms. The way we'd cuddle. I even miss when you'd steal all the blanket away from me just to sushi wrap your body when it got cold. I'd wake up in the middle of the night pissed off wondering why i'm so cold and then looking over at you with the entire blanket wrapped around you. Looking back at it now, it makes me smile.
I miss waking up together, making coffee for the two of us, and then gobbling up food in the kitchen together. I really miss seeing you eat so much. I remember how much it hurt me to see that my baby who loved to eat, couldn't eat anymore.
I wish you knew how hard it's been for the past year, learning to sleep alone, learning to accept the fact that I'll never have what we had, ever again.
We were attached to the hip, spending every day with each other for the past 2-3 years together and when cancer came along and things didn't work out, I wanted to give up so bad. Sometimes I still do.
It's been so hard accepting everything when every time I look back at how things were so perfect. Every time I think back to last may when you told me in the hospital that you wanted to marry me "if and only if" you got better, it kills me inside.
When you got cancer, I didn't want to face the reality of it all. I tried to convince myself you weren't really sick. That you were getting better and that you were gonna make it. I spent so much time running away from the truth the past year, only to find out through texts last November that the doctors gave you 6 months.
I was so happy to be able to talk to you again. I remember you telling me that you lied to me when you said you didn't love me in september during the breakup time. I can never forget the text that gave us one more chance to fall in love again.
"I lied. I'm sorry. I still love you."
November was the happiest and the most painful month for me. You asked me to see you for Thanksgiving. I remember you telling me you wanted to give me a gift so bad, but I kept telling you not to and just focus on recovery after your surgery.
I remember your sister told me that you asked your grandfather to take you to the barber because you were concerned about looking good for me, even though you knew I didn't care about that stuff. I remember how she told me you asked him to take you to a jewelry shop so you could pick out a necklace for me.
You're so sweet. You're SO sweet. Beyond words. I remember thinking to myself, why would you worry about that kind of stuff when you just got released from the hospital? I wasn't even into that stuff. You never did that type of stuff for me. I remember how you put the necklace on me.
I asked why you bought me it and you said to me that it's supposed to represent us. One side represented me, one side represented you. You said, "that way you'll always have a part of me with you."
I never thought that you were the romantic type, but for the first time, you were being so romantic that it scared me. It scared me because it felt like you were preparing to say goodbye to me.
These past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. The 5 stages of grief hit me like no other. As much as I denied it, it was real.
Well this one is pretty self-explanatory.
I remember the day I found out you weren't gonna make it. My hands were shaking and my voice was trembling. I felt like my heart was going to explode into a million pieces. I honestly think it did at the time. I think I skipped to stage 3 and 4 during the last few days. It followed by tears rushing down my face. and then to heavy crying. Hysterical crying. The type of crying where you're literally screaming at the top of your lungs until you feel like you can't breathe anymore.
I couldn't believe it at the time. I didn't wanna believe it. I remember messaging you like crazy on Facebook, telling you not to give up and that maybe there was still a chance. I even remember talking to your sister and asking her if I could drive up and see him one last time. But you knew better than anyone, that you didn't have to fight it anymore. You couldn't fight it anymore. Your sister knew, too, i'm sure. She told me that if I did, I probably wouldn't make it in time.
It's weird looking back at my music choice during this stage. I was listening to heavy metal, punk rock, and edgy shit. Really out of my element compared to the following months.
I was so angry at everyone and everything the first month after you passed. I got angry at people who tried to give me advice or even comfort me. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it at the time. I didn't mean to at the time, but I pushed everyone away. I got angry and jealous seeing people happy or in relationships. I never felt that way before, but I thought it was so unfair that life took you away from me. I got so angry at God. I got so angry every time my parents brought your name up.
I was just angry at everyone and everything. I couldn't tell you why... but I just was.
This one sounded ridiculous. It didn't really go through a period of time. Just thoughts that came over my head. Or how i'd ask God and the heavens to give me one more chance. I begged God for the past year to save you. I told Him i'd do anything in the world. And if it was impossible, I begged for another chance to fall in love with you in another life time. Another chance with better circumstances.
Ofcourse, you weren't resurrected, but it was wishful thinking.
Silly me, right?
At a certain point, I begged God or anyone out there to make the pain go away. I didn't seek out unrealistic ways to escape like drinking or smoking like kids do nowadays. I knew I had to do it alone, so I did. Eventually it really hit me.
You were never coming back.
You're really gone.
And that's when I fell into this stage. I mean, to be honest, I think I've been depressed since the day you were diagnosed. I think we were both grieving your death even when you were alive. I always tried to push you to be positive, but deep down, we knew how we felt about the cancer. All of us did.
I spent an entire month feeling guilty of not being the best person I could've been when you were around. I felt so guilty for all the times I got mad about petty things girls get mad about. I felt guilty for all the times I'd PMS and take it out on you. Or the times that I didn't understand you or your illness. Or all the times you pushed me to be better, but I just couldn't understand at the time.
Then it followed with the thoughts I still feel now from time to time. Usually followed by questions like, "How could this happen to us?" or "Why?" or "What's the point if he's never coming back?"
I think this is a stage I have the most trouble describing. I don't know why it's so hard to describe it, but all I can think of is pain and darkness.
I have trouble getting out of bed on the days that i'm the most depressed. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I just want to crawl in a hole and disappear. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to speak to anyone. I don't want comfort or help. I want the pain to go away. I feel like a heavy weight is on my chest.
I just want to disappear.
Nothing ever good came out of it, but it's been a stage I've been swaying back and forth in. Even now.
The only way I can "cope" with this one is through distraction. I either draw for hours on end (which fucking sucks when you get stuck in a creative block from the depression) or play games.
It doesn't get rid of the depression. It just makes you feel numb for a while & then you just feel kinda empty.
I guess emptiness is the best way to describe it.
This one took a while to get to. Starting from May, I believe it wasn't until mid-late August that I had to come to terms with it. I still get depressed, but it's been less frequent. I think when people think of the stages of grief, they may assumed that once you've hit acceptance, it's all good from there, but it's not. I still feel what I feel, but i'm just better at hiding it now. I have different ways of coping, but there are still days where I break down. I usually don't vent to people about it anymore. I just cry to myself now.
I wanna say I was being strong through it all, and although I've heard it a million times from all the people around me... it doesn't really feel like it at times. I feel like the stages of grief still cycle within me, sometimes I get angry still. Sometimes I still hear your voice at the back of my head. Sometimes it gets hard to truly accept that you're gone. I accept it because in reality, I have to. But if I had a choice, I refuse to accept it. Who the hell would?
Around the end of August, I decided to finally take down all of our pictures on the wall. I put away the jar with our pictures that I gave you as a gift. I put away all your old pajamas and jerseys. I put away your pillows. If people knew how difficult it was for me to take off the necklace, they'd think I'm the fucking Hulk or something.
I remember the day I took it off and put everything in a box, I cried and cried and cried for hours on end.
But eventually it worked out.
Through my grief and everything, I found someone. He became my best friend through the past few months and as weird as it sounds, he's pretty accepting about my feelings for you. I know how much you wanted me to be happy, and i'm honestly trying. He knows I still love you and honestly, he's okay with it. You told me to find a good guy, and I found a great one. I know you'd be really proud of me. I wish you two could've met. I always talk about you to him.
His father has had cancer for the past few years and that's kinda how we started talking. He messaged me one day when I was crying on stream, and we just talked as friends, just like everyone in my community on my stream/discord.
And even though it was cancer who took you away from me, it was cancer that brought me and this guy together.
So in a way, there are still things in life to be thankful for.
It's weird how life works.
Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday, and this year would mark the first thanksgiving without you. Every thanksgiving will be a day a day of remembrance of all our memories and how thankful I am to have shared them with you.